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Tag: Peace

Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming to Terms, Family, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

It's difficult when you don't have specific plans. Many guys in my situation already have things worked out. They have a boyfriend they've been experimenting with before coming out. Life is an adventure only when you know what you want. I don't.

What I have done is go to two gay meetups – just to be around people. As I have mentioned previously, one of the motivations for coming out was to try an be authentic so I could meet people without having to hide my true self. The meet-ups were fine. I met some nice people, but I still feel that something is missing. I will continue to engage with those groups, but not for a while, as I'm off sailing for a few weeks.

Meanwhile, my wife is starting to talk to me. Her main issue seems to be wondering how to move on. She says she sees me being happier than I have been for a while (though I feel like I'm still walking on eggshells around her) and that she feels stuck. I'm not sure what to say as I haven't come up with a reasonable answer. I don't feel like we have to break our relationship in order to move to the next stage, but this is still a real risk.

I also went up to London to have lunch with daughter no. 1. We went to have some lunch at the South Bank and then went next door to an open-air bar and proceeded to drink all afternoon and chat about all sorts of stuff. I even told her about my crap gay relationship. It was a beautiful bonding moment between a father and his daughter and one I shall cherish for a long time.

Son No.2 also arrived around 6pm after work and we continued drinking into the night. He also had a fair number of questions but it was fine and I managed to answer all of then truthfully. It was an extremely good night for all of us.

One thing I have noticed though. I'm not scared of much anymore, including talking about things that others would find uncomfortable revealing about themselves. The constant terror leading up to telling my wife I was gay has given way – after a week or so – to an incredible inner peace.

I'm not sure what I going to do, but that ok. I'm not sure whether I will ever have a gay intimate relationship, but that's ok too. I can relax now. Now that the inner turmoil has dissipated, I am no longer scared.

Life will bring what it brings. Let it do its best or its worst.

Either way, I will survive.

selective focus photo of brown and blue hourglass on stones

Tempus Fugit: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, Coming to Terms, LGBT+, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on Tempus Fugit: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

The Clock Ticks and Time Flies

Not sure who told me that time flies when you least want it to. Tempus Fugit has been much overused but so appropriate for how I feel. I'm approaching the last bend in the track and the finish line is in sight. Or is it the starting line? My wife will be abck

I listened to the Rainbow Dads podcast which was introduced to me by Tony – my erstwhile mentor from Manchester. Anyhow, this podcast has sent me into a bit of a negative spiral. Everything they're discussing just doesn't sound like me. Maybe it's the shitty gay relationship I had in my 20s, but the thought of having to enter the “scene” to meet people just fills me with dread. I'm not interested in casual sex and according to the Dads on the podcast, that's sort of the only way to meet other gay people. I'm rapidly going off the idea that I want anything to do with that part of me.

This Chapter is Closing

I think this journey has been one of self-discovery. It is not over, but some things are becoming clear. The reason I would like to come clean, so-to-speak is to be honest with my wife. We have not been that intimate over the last years and I've put that down to age – but that's not really it. She has to be able to make the decision that this is all I can be to her going forward. It's not nothing, of course. I love her deeply. But individual free will is so fundamental to me, that I owe her that.

Now that I am out to myself, I do not have the ability – psychologically – to keep this to myself. Maybe I'm just rationalising because I'm scared. My last gay relationship was pretty catastrophic and if love is not part of the equation then I can probably do without it.

I think I have come to a reasonable place in my thinking. From panicking yesterday, I now understand what I want. Deep down, I just need the love of my life to know. That's all – for now. Maybe that will change. Maybe I will explore this part of me – but on my terms. Not on anyone else's.

A Calm Understanding

A first step after telling my wife may be going up to Manchester and meeting my mentor – just for a weekend. That will be a start. That is a small step into a new world. Tentative. Timorous. A pinkie toe dipped in a new gay ocean. Yes. That seems right.

I will not post again until I have told my wife – unless I start panicking again. This is it. I think I now have the answers I need to do what I have to do. Next Monday or Tuesday will be a perfect time – not too close to our anniversary. Not close to a Birthday and plenty of time for her to back out of coming sailing with me. I have a small window. Can I find the courage to act? Let's find out together.