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Tag: journey

Profound change a Catalyst for Good

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Struggle, The Beginning. No Comments on Profound change a Catalyst for Good

So I'm confused. Confusion reigns as my habit of keeping my real-self hidden is battling with that part of me that wants to come out. Is profound change a catalyst for good and if so, under what guise?

On several mornings over the past couple of weeks I have woken up determined that this has all been a mistake. A colossal joke that I'm playing on myself. How could I be gay if:

  1. I'm not sure what do do with that information and I have no real plans for post-coming out and
  2. I'm comfortable with my life as it is. But am I really?

Therapy sort of helps get be back on track, but only while I'm in the room and possibly a few hours afterwards. The next day at the latest, I wonder how I could have been so sure. As the next session approaches I wonder what the hell I'm going to say. When I get there, all these doubts go away and the session is great… until it's over. My therapist says that I'm brining all of me to the session so all of a sudden it's easy to talk. But how do I move on from this? It's not a question of courage now, but a real self-doubt as to whether I've embarked on the right path.

At times I feel that I'm just going through a midlife crisis – something to do which challenges the status quo – but then I remember the crisis points, the depth of sadness, the uncontrolled sobbing in the kitchen – and this is not just some temporary craziness, but something deep which I have finally come to recognise. The crisis points need to be remembered when I flounder or wallow in self-doubt. I must remember the feelings that I cannot control and what that means.

Tomorrow is therapy day. All too short, but helpful in a kind of stake-in-the-ground kind of way. Perhaps, when I have planted the requisite number of steps I will be able to see past this coming-out challenge and understand what the next steps need to be.

No-one can see the future, but I need to at least have an objective or two about what happens after I tell my wife, and all this definitely needs to happen before my 60th Birthday.

Is There Anyone Out There?

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle. No Comments on Is There Anyone Out There?

The question as to whether there is anyone out there is moot. Of course, there are many people out there, only I have withdrawn so much, I feel that I am writing for me alone – which is paradoxical as I've put quite a bit of effort into making this site. The question remains whether anyone will bother to read this. If you haven't read the first post, I urge you to read it now as it puts everything into context.

So why write? At the moment, I am so confused, so scared of the consequences of what I'm about to do that I feel like a teenager taking his first steps into the world. In a way, part of my psyche is doing just that. Part of me is still that scared boy I was at 16 battling with forbidden feelings, worried of losing his friends and facing the uncomprehending and disapproving gaze of his parents. I know they would never have understood.

This blog is a way is also a way for me to clarify my feelings… a stream of consciousness (well, nearly). It will allow me to come to terms with how my life will change once I tell my wife and kids. The kids will be cool, I think. Shocked, possibly. My wife is different matter, but I can understand that.

I know that although I want to control the whole process, but that won't be possible once the cat is truly out of the bag. She will then have control over what happens next. And that's ok, I guess, but it's scary. I'm definitely a coward 🙂

But I always have to return to the story of the knight who asked “Is it better to speak or die?” Although that question is a trick (we all die anyway), the question is what will speaking achieve? As someone who values being able to make choices in life, I think I owe it to my best friend (my wife) to let her make her own.

At the same time, I would like to spare everyone's feelings. I've read plenty of posts where men in my situation have only come out after the relationship failed, they were found out, or the spouse passed away. Of course, the damage that staying silent is doing to me must be a factor too. I'm done lying to myself. It is time to come clean. Something has to change.

The big question is actually not the obvious one. What happens next? What do I do once I've come clean? I have no idea. I've looked for support groups I could join, but apart from a few meetup groups, it seems to be a fairly barren scene. And I'm not looking for a relationship, just people who understand me.

That's why I want to know: Is there anyone out there? Do you have an opinion or some suggestions? The floor is yours.