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Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming to Terms, Family, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

It's difficult when you don't have specific plans. Many guys in my situation already have things worked out. They have a boyfriend they've been experimenting with before coming out. Life is an adventure only when you know what you want. I don't.

What I have done is go to two gay meetups – just to be around people. As I have mentioned previously, one of the motivations for coming out was to try an be authentic so I could meet people without having to hide my true self. The meet-ups were fine. I met some nice people, but I still feel that something is missing. I will continue to engage with those groups, but not for a while, as I'm off sailing for a few weeks.

Meanwhile, my wife is starting to talk to me. Her main issue seems to be wondering how to move on. She says she sees me being happier than I have been for a while (though I feel like I'm still walking on eggshells around her) and that she feels stuck. I'm not sure what to say as I haven't come up with a reasonable answer. I don't feel like we have to break our relationship in order to move to the next stage, but this is still a real risk.

I also went up to London to have lunch with daughter no. 1. We went to have some lunch at the South Bank and then went next door to an open-air bar and proceeded to drink all afternoon and chat about all sorts of stuff. I even told her about my crap gay relationship. It was a beautiful bonding moment between a father and his daughter and one I shall cherish for a long time.

Son No.2 also arrived around 6pm after work and we continued drinking into the night. He also had a fair number of questions but it was fine and I managed to answer all of then truthfully. It was an extremely good night for all of us.

One thing I have noticed though. I'm not scared of much anymore, including talking about things that others would find uncomfortable revealing about themselves. The constant terror leading up to telling my wife I was gay has given way – after a week or so – to an incredible inner peace.

I'm not sure what I going to do, but that ok. I'm not sure whether I will ever have a gay intimate relationship, but that's ok too. I can relax now. Now that the inner turmoil has dissipated, I am no longer scared.

Life will bring what it brings. Let it do its best or its worst.

Either way, I will survive.

Man & woman hugging

G-Day: The Day I Came Out as Gay

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on G-Day: The Day I Came Out as Gay

The Deed

Monday 20th June, 2022. At the age of 59 years, 8 months and 6 days old, I came out as gay to my wife. We have been married for 29 years and will celebrate our 30th anniversary on 1 September this year.

For those of you who have been following this blog, it will come as no surprise that I have been agonising over this for some time now and this week was the perfect time to tell her – if I was going to tell her.

I can tell you folks, that it didn't go all that well. I tried to explain why so late in life, tried to explain how I had reached the conclusion that I'm gay and tried to explain that I still loved her deeply – I do – that she is my soulmate and that we would somehow always be together. None of it seemed to make much difference, and I could see the hurt and pain in her eyes.

It killed me and I have shed more tears in the last 24h than in the past 10 years.

I have read that this process can be like a grieving process for the straight partner.

  • Stage 1: Denial & shock
  • Stage 2: Anger & resentment
  • Stage 3: Bargaining
  • Stage 4: Withdrawal and Depression
  • Stage 5: Acceptance
  • Stage 6: Outreach

For a full description of all of these stages, click here: https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/grieving-and-recovery

The Consequences

So we're in stage 1. I'm not sure what I else expected, but she cried pretty much all day and at least half of the next. I feel guilty for putting this on her, but as I mentioned before, I have never been dishonest – even about my sexuality – and I've never been unfaithful. However, all I'm getting is monosyllabic answers to my attempts to communicate. The one thing she did ask that was hurtful is why did I tell her? Was I trying to give myself permission to have an affair with another guy? For the moment, no. I think if I felt I had to explore that side at any stage, our marriage would be over and I'd have a different discussion with her.

Many other men in my situation would have had an affair leading up to the moment they publicly came out, but because I had my gay relationship early on in my twenties, I didn't feel the need to experiment. And given my experience with that, I'm going to have to work through quite a lot of crap before I can even consider thinking about whether I want that or not.

The difficulty here is finding the balance between giving her space and withdrawing. I don't want her to think she's alone. I want to be there in case she has questions. I will try to be sensitive and accepting of her feelings. I have had a couple of months and as I read back to my first post, I can recognise the confusion and the shock that I had to deal with, before coming to some sort of acceptance that I would have to be honest and tell her.

The Aftermath

So how do I feel? This experience has been harrowing – I won't deny it, and to be honest, it's early days yet. I feel guilty for laying this on her and changing our relationship so profoundly – perhaps terminally. She is grieving the loss whilst I still hold out some hope that we can have a relationship.

The fact that I have Tony – someone who was referred through the podcast Graying Rainbows – and my therapist is great. I'm worried that she has no-one and in order to provide some support – if she's not going to look further afield – I will have to tell the kids sooner rather than later.

My life has changed. My marriage has changed. But, as you know, dear reader, I felt that I didn't have a choice. I made sure I chose an appropriate time and have been as available as possible. That's all I can do. I do not control events from here. My family does.

I have also realised, that although the first step was probably the hardest, I have a long way to go. I have to tell the kids, possibly my brother. Do I tell Mum (who is 84)? Not right now. What about my friends? Some, perhaps, but this coming out is exhausting.

Tune in next time… I will have told the kids by then, I think.

selective focus photo of brown and blue hourglass on stones

Tempus Fugit: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, Coming to Terms, LGBT+, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on Tempus Fugit: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

The Clock Ticks and Time Flies

Not sure who told me that time flies when you least want it to. Tempus Fugit has been much overused but so appropriate for how I feel. I'm approaching the last bend in the track and the finish line is in sight. Or is it the starting line? My wife will be abck

I listened to the Rainbow Dads podcast which was introduced to me by Tony – my erstwhile mentor from Manchester. Anyhow, this podcast has sent me into a bit of a negative spiral. Everything they're discussing just doesn't sound like me. Maybe it's the shitty gay relationship I had in my 20s, but the thought of having to enter the “scene” to meet people just fills me with dread. I'm not interested in casual sex and according to the Dads on the podcast, that's sort of the only way to meet other gay people. I'm rapidly going off the idea that I want anything to do with that part of me.

This Chapter is Closing

I think this journey has been one of self-discovery. It is not over, but some things are becoming clear. The reason I would like to come clean, so-to-speak is to be honest with my wife. We have not been that intimate over the last years and I've put that down to age – but that's not really it. She has to be able to make the decision that this is all I can be to her going forward. It's not nothing, of course. I love her deeply. But individual free will is so fundamental to me, that I owe her that.

Now that I am out to myself, I do not have the ability – psychologically – to keep this to myself. Maybe I'm just rationalising because I'm scared. My last gay relationship was pretty catastrophic and if love is not part of the equation then I can probably do without it.

I think I have come to a reasonable place in my thinking. From panicking yesterday, I now understand what I want. Deep down, I just need the love of my life to know. That's all – for now. Maybe that will change. Maybe I will explore this part of me – but on my terms. Not on anyone else's.

A Calm Understanding

A first step after telling my wife may be going up to Manchester and meeting my mentor – just for a weekend. That will be a start. That is a small step into a new world. Tentative. Timorous. A pinkie toe dipped in a new gay ocean. Yes. That seems right.

I will not post again until I have told my wife – unless I start panicking again. This is it. I think I now have the answers I need to do what I have to do. Next Monday or Tuesday will be a perfect time – not too close to our anniversary. Not close to a Birthday and plenty of time for her to back out of coming sailing with me. I have a small window. Can I find the courage to act? Let's find out together.

black and silver fountain pen

The Surprisingly Powerful Session

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, Coming to Terms, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle, The Beginning. No Comments on The Surprisingly Powerful Session

I want to tell you about the surprisingly powerful session I had yesterday with my therapist. Usually it's a way for me to talk through some of the conflicting feelings I've been having about coming out to my wife in particular, but this time was different and I can't stop thinking about it.

In the session a week ago, the therapist suggested I write a letter to my wife, explaining my thinking about coming out and writing down my journey so far. I did so as soon as I got home and it was so easy to write it wrote itself . I made no edits, thinking I would come back to it before giving it to her. It was totally honest, and would allow her, hopefully, to digest the information I had already given to her once I had come out to her.

At this most recent session I told my therapist about the letter-writing process and she asked me to read it. Since it was in my cloud drive, it was available on my phone so I started reading. The first couple of sentences went well, but I started to feel super-emotional as I went on talking about our family and how, despite the harm it may do, I don't have a choice as I'm destroying the relationships by withdrawing into myself.

I got it together during the factual historical boring bits (to me) recounting my failed gay relationship in the 80s, and the events that led me to understanding I was gay instead of bisexual. Then the letter changed and I started talking about my feelings and how my decision would affect her and I lost it again – to such an extent that I was unable to continue for quite a while.

When I finally was able to, I struggled through the final paragraphs and then broke down again. I was amazed. The depth of my emotions was so intense and it took me completely by surprise. The letter had been very easy and straightforward to write, but reading it out loud was massively hard and demonstrated how hard it will be to tell her.

If you, dear reader, are in a similar situation, I would recommend you do the same. Write everything you want to say to your spouse in a letter and be brutally honest. It will be quite easy to write because it is your truth. It is what you are feeling right now. And then, a week or so later read it to your therapist, best friend or significant other who is helping you through this process. If you don't have anyone, get someone. It is so important to be supported and to feel that you have others you can lean on when things get tough – and, after this experience, I'm convinced that they will get very tough for a while.

Maybe I'll share the letter some day. If you are interested, send me an email at nightshade@storiesonspeed.com

I have a week-and-a-half left before I have to tell my wife. I am terrified. But this experience has brought home to me why I don't have any other option. Staying silent IS not an option. The emotional strain has become too much and I need to come clean.

Staying Focused on What’s Important

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, Coming to Terms, LGBT+, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on Staying Focused on What’s Important

In the last post, I wrote about how two sides were battling for supremacy. This week, I wanted concentrate on staying focused and on being as authentic as possible. The crazy back and forth that I had experienced over the past few weeks was just not tenable and it was making me crazy. Added to that, I had sort of decided when I was going to come out to my wife – if I dared, and that deadline is fast approaching in the week commencing 20th June – in about 2 weeks.

So I have to be sure. I have to be sure that this is the right thing to do. My strategy has been to start researching LGBT+ groups in my area. If you live in a larger city, there is more on offer, though I think my age does play a part. I reached out to Dr. Ginger Campbell from Graying Rainbows – an amazing resource for those who come out later in life – to join one of her community groups but because new content has now ceased, the groups have fizzled out. However in reaching out to her, she immediately wrote back a really wonderfully supportive e-mail and also offered to link me up with one of her interviewees from the UK. Not sure whether he'll get in touch, but it really was a nice gesture. I'll let you know if he does 🙂

I then went and did some more searches for local meetup.com groups in Bournemouth – again, not many, but a couple stood out – Bournemouth Gay Men and Friends Out and About and Bournemouth Gay Men Social's – well, they were the only ones… Not sure what Social's means but I guess I'll eventually find out – and sound super-pedantic at the same time. Sorry. Apostrophes in odd places make my OCD go crazy.

Anyhow, this focus on “what next” has really kept me in the moment. Sure, I usually wake up thinking this whole thing is the stupidest idea ever and why would I risk everything because I'm such a snowflake etc., but I think that now that I know, now that I have come out to myself, I will eventually be outed anyway and I far prefer to do it on my own terms than have it happen to me.

I have also started to lose a bit of weight… possibly the stress is helping, but it's a great side-benefit. If I have to feel like I'm about to explode, then at least there needs to be a rainbow-coloured lining, right?

One more thing, if you're reading this and you are also on this side of coming out, I would recommend that you get some support. It could be a best friend (if you trust them), a LGBT-affirming coach or even a therapist. I went and googled LGBT therapists and was really lucky to find someone I could relate to straight away. I don't think I could have made the progress I've made – from being totally at sea, to starting to accept that there could be very serious consequences to coming out – and still wanting to go through with it. I don't know whether I will succeed, whether I will have the courage, but I hope I will. I have some time to work on the final aspects and I will write about these preparations in my next post.

See you soon.

Victory or Defeat? Which Side of Me Will Win?

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle, The Beginning. No Comments on Victory or Defeat? Which Side of Me Will Win?

At the moment it's a toss-up. One of me says that I must be authentic and come out. The other is scared of the consequences and is doing an excellent job convincing me to shut up. Which side of me will win? I'm feeling the heat now that the battle of the psyches has begun in earnest.

It is now, near the end of the day, when I'm sitting here thinking this is all a big mistake and I should delete this blog and disappear back into the ether. My Thursday therapy session seems a long time ago although it was just this morning, but I can remember the clarity, the feeling of absolute conviction about what I have to do. Like a distant memory, but getting a little clearer every week.

There are two sides of me. The side that wants to get out there and be real and the side that's desperately telling me that I'm being an idiot and that I'm putting my whole life on the line are alternating between telling me I should and I shouldn't speak. But I know what will happen if I don't.

I now have 3 weeks until the first “ideal” slot appears. There are a few events, including a week where Helen, my wife (not her real name), is away. I don't want to spoil her week away, so probably soon after she gets back. Before then, I will have to come up with the perfect way to broach the subject and explain.

I have one thing going for me: everything I've done was in good faith although I wonder whether my life would've turned out differently if my first same-sex relationship hadn't been such a disaster. Would I have wanted it to be different? I may never have left London, never met Helen, never had kids… and that part of my life has been so important to me that i cant imagine it being any different. Sure, it would have been nice to have it all, but who gets to have it all? We all make choices and compromises in our life and we need to take responsibility for that.

However, there also comes a time when the need for authenticity becomes too strong – too insistent. For me, the shock was understanding or admitting to myself that I was gay, not bisexual. and that really only happened a couple of months ago, the catalyst having been Stefano, who I met last summer in Italy. Although it was just a friendship and I told him I was married etc., this did unleash the first big crisis in a little while. Maybe I'll write a longer post on this subject…

So now I’m sitting here wondering what to do… well not so much wondering, but fighting with myself. my gay side is screaming to be acknowledged even though there is so much to lose… which is exactly what my other side is trying desperately to hold on to.

I heard someone say the other day, that you can't control what someone else will think or feel. All you can do it be your real self. That's good advice. I think I'm nearly there.

Profound change a Catalyst for Good

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Struggle, The Beginning. No Comments on Profound change a Catalyst for Good

So I'm confused. Confusion reigns as my habit of keeping my real-self hidden is battling with that part of me that wants to come out. Is profound change a catalyst for good and if so, under what guise?

On several mornings over the past couple of weeks I have woken up determined that this has all been a mistake. A colossal joke that I'm playing on myself. How could I be gay if:

  1. I'm not sure what do do with that information and I have no real plans for post-coming out and
  2. I'm comfortable with my life as it is. But am I really?

Therapy sort of helps get be back on track, but only while I'm in the room and possibly a few hours afterwards. The next day at the latest, I wonder how I could have been so sure. As the next session approaches I wonder what the hell I'm going to say. When I get there, all these doubts go away and the session is great… until it's over. My therapist says that I'm brining all of me to the session so all of a sudden it's easy to talk. But how do I move on from this? It's not a question of courage now, but a real self-doubt as to whether I've embarked on the right path.

At times I feel that I'm just going through a midlife crisis – something to do which challenges the status quo – but then I remember the crisis points, the depth of sadness, the uncontrolled sobbing in the kitchen – and this is not just some temporary craziness, but something deep which I have finally come to recognise. The crisis points need to be remembered when I flounder or wallow in self-doubt. I must remember the feelings that I cannot control and what that means.

Tomorrow is therapy day. All too short, but helpful in a kind of stake-in-the-ground kind of way. Perhaps, when I have planted the requisite number of steps I will be able to see past this coming-out challenge and understand what the next steps need to be.

No-one can see the future, but I need to at least have an objective or two about what happens after I tell my wife, and all this definitely needs to happen before my 60th Birthday.