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4 Weeks Later: Paying the Piper

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, Coming to Terms, Family. No Comments on 4 Weeks Later: Paying the Piper

So i guess it had to happen, right? Eventually the time comes where the decisions one makes end up costing. Paying the piper is not always easy but absolutely necessary. Ying and yang, Karma, divine retribution? well maybe not quite that last one.

The other day my wife handed me a letter she had written to avoid having to talk. Apparently she’s not quite ready yet. But this letter was angry, bitter, disappointed. Hell hath no fury they say, well you’d better believe it.

However, it has opened up communication lines. So baby steps.

Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming to Terms, Family, Main Journey, The Beginning. No Comments on Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

It's difficult when you don't have specific plans. Many guys in my situation already have things worked out. They have a boyfriend they've been experimenting with before coming out. Life is an adventure only when you know what you want. I don't.

What I have done is go to two gay meetups – just to be around people. As I have mentioned previously, one of the motivations for coming out was to try an be authentic so I could meet people without having to hide my true self. The meet-ups were fine. I met some nice people, but I still feel that something is missing. I will continue to engage with those groups, but not for a while, as I'm off sailing for a few weeks.

Meanwhile, my wife is starting to talk to me. Her main issue seems to be wondering how to move on. She says she sees me being happier than I have been for a while (though I feel like I'm still walking on eggshells around her) and that she feels stuck. I'm not sure what to say as I haven't come up with a reasonable answer. I don't feel like we have to break our relationship in order to move to the next stage, but this is still a real risk.

I also went up to London to have lunch with daughter no. 1. We went to have some lunch at the South Bank and then went next door to an open-air bar and proceeded to drink all afternoon and chat about all sorts of stuff. I even told her about my crap gay relationship. It was a beautiful bonding moment between a father and his daughter and one I shall cherish for a long time.

Son No.2 also arrived around 6pm after work and we continued drinking into the night. He also had a fair number of questions but it was fine and I managed to answer all of then truthfully. It was an extremely good night for all of us.

One thing I have noticed though. I'm not scared of much anymore, including talking about things that others would find uncomfortable revealing about themselves. The constant terror leading up to telling my wife I was gay has given way – after a week or so – to an incredible inner peace.

I'm not sure what I going to do, but that ok. I'm not sure whether I will ever have a gay intimate relationship, but that's ok too. I can relax now. Now that the inner turmoil has dissipated, I am no longer scared.

Life will bring what it brings. Let it do its best or its worst.

Either way, I will survive.

A Week After Coming Out as Gay

Written by Nightshade on . Posted in Coming Out, Family, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle. 2 Comments on A Week After Coming Out as Gay

Coming out as gay is not as straightforward as it appears

So we are a week after my coming out as gay to my wife. What has happened in that week?

I was hoping my wife would get over the initial shock and move to the next stage – possibly anger – and demand answers. But so far she has refused to talk to me. This really bothers me as I feel I am losing her – both as a life partner and a friend. That would represent the worst outcome I could imagine. Time will tell whether she agrees to talk this through – no matter how painful – or decides to close down and put up barriers. If she puts up barriers that will be it.

Time to tell the kids

On the plus side, I had a conversation with each of the kids. My eldest is now in the US and as it happened, he was available first. It was quite funny. He asked me to restate I had not cheated on his Mum before saying I was brave and that he was proud of me. That was sweet, but he's also deflecting some of his own feelings and concentrating on others – just like I used to. It's easier and safer. Eventually he will have to confront his own feelings and then I guess we'll have a great conversation.

After that conversation, I went back down to the living room, sat down and cried. Not sure whether it was relief or just nerves, but I really sobbed uncontrollably. This has really been a hell of a rollercoaster and the dam of built-up of emotions is starting to crumble and break.

Kid 2

Once I got myself back together again, I approached my youngest daughter who's just turned 21 and is looking to move out. Sitting on her bed, I went through my story and at the end, she just hugged me and told me she loved me. It helps that she came out as bi some time ago, but it still must've been a shock to hear her Dad is gay. The younger generation just don't have the same hang-ups as the older generation, I guess.

Kid 3

Once I had recovered, my eldest daughter – child No. 2 – texted to say she had time to chat. So I gathered myself for the third time that day to have yet another difficult conversation. It didn't get any easier, even after 2 goes. In both calls, we did a video call. It was important for me to be able to see them. Tears were rolling down her face. Her first words were “it must've been so difficult for you”. The second were “I'm so proud of you”.

Although it warmed my heart and I lover her dearly, I'm not sure I can agree that my kids can be proud of me. I would certainly concur it was brave as the fear-factor was at 300%, but proud of me? After all, I've risked everything I've worked for all my life just for the privilege to be “authentic”. Whilst that does have some advantages, it's also quite selfish. My therapist says that there is a balance between caring for others and oneself, but right now I just feel sort of sad that my mental health had to be at the expense of someone else's, especially when that someone else is my family.

Kid 4

Finally, I also then had to tackle child No.3 who has high-functioning Asperger's syndrome – which he (unsurprisingly) denies. But since his life revolves around good and bad, black & white, I was not expecting much support. His first words were “It's Mental”. Not sure I could disagree. “But you're Bi, right? I mean, you still love Mum, so you must be Bi”. I tried to explain, but he became more angry as the conversation went on, incapable of comprehending what was really happening. I went through the sequence again, hoping he would understand, but we hung up with the issue unresolved.

To his credit, he did call a couple of days later to apologise, presumably after having talked with his brother & sisters and perhaps gained a wider perspective. I thought that was nice of him. I did tell him that no matter what he thought of me, I loved him, and his feelings and opinions on the matter were valid and justified. No need to apologise for being honest.

His reaction had hurt though, I can't deny it. A bit like my wife's reaction. But their feelings and reactions are not mine to control. They are just mine to accept and possibly move on.

So that's it for now. I have other news, but this post is getting long, so I'll leave it here and I'll write up the rest tomorrow. Until then, wherever you are, Dear Reader, I hope you're doing well. Leave a comment if any of this is useful to you.