Author: Nightshade

Victory or Defeat? Which Side of Me Will Win?

Written by Nightshade on 31/05/2022. Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle, The Beginning. No Comments on Victory or Defeat? Which Side of Me Will Win?

At the moment it's a toss-up. One of me says that I must be authentic and come out. The other is scared of the consequences and is doing an excellent job convincing me to shut up. Which side of me will win? I'm feeling the heat now that the battle of the psyches has begun in earnest.

It is now, near the end of the day, when I'm sitting here thinking this is all a big mistake and I should delete this blog and disappear back into the ether. My Thursday therapy session seems a long time ago although it was just this morning, but I can remember the clarity, the feeling of absolute conviction about what I have to do. Like a distant memory, but getting a little clearer every week.

There are two sides of me. The side that wants to get out there and be real and the side that's desperately telling me that I'm being an idiot and that I'm putting my whole life on the line are alternating between telling me I should and I shouldn't speak. But I know what will happen if I don't.

I now have 3 weeks until the first “ideal” slot appears. There are a few events, including a week where Helen, my wife (not her real name), is away. I don't want to spoil her week away, so probably soon after she gets back. Before then, I will have to come up with the perfect way to broach the subject and explain.

I have one thing going for me: everything I've done was in good faith although I wonder whether my life would've turned out differently if my first same-sex relationship hadn't been such a disaster. Would I have wanted it to be different? I may never have left London, never met Helen, never had kids… and that part of my life has been so important to me that i cant imagine it being any different. Sure, it would have been nice to have it all, but who gets to have it all? We all make choices and compromises in our life and we need to take responsibility for that.

However, there also comes a time when the need for authenticity becomes too strong – too insistent. For me, the shock was understanding or admitting to myself that I was gay, not bisexual. and that really only happened a couple of months ago, the catalyst having been Stefano, who I met last summer in Italy. Although it was just a friendship and I told him I was married etc., this did unleash the first big crisis in a little while. Maybe I'll write a longer post on this subject…

So now I’m sitting here wondering what to do… well not so much wondering, but fighting with myself. my gay side is screaming to be acknowledged even though there is so much to lose… which is exactly what my other side is trying desperately to hold on to.

I heard someone say the other day, that you can't control what someone else will think or feel. All you can do it be your real self. That's good advice. I think I'm nearly there.

Profound change a Catalyst for Good

Written by Nightshade on 25/05/2022. Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Struggle, The Beginning. No Comments on Profound change a Catalyst for Good

So I'm confused. Confusion reigns as my habit of keeping my real-self hidden is battling with that part of me that wants to come out. Is profound change a catalyst for good and if so, under what guise?

On several mornings over the past couple of weeks I have woken up determined that this has all been a mistake. A colossal joke that I'm playing on myself. How could I be gay if:

I'm not sure what do do with that information and I have no real plans for post-coming out and
I'm comfortable with my life as it is. But am I really?

Therapy sort of helps get be back on track, but only while I'm in the room and possibly a few hours afterwards. The next day at the latest, I wonder how I could have been so sure. As the next session approaches I wonder what the hell I'm going to say. When I get there, all these doubts go away and the session is great… until it's over. My therapist says that I'm brining all of me to the session so all of a sudden it's easy to talk. But how do I move on from this? It's not a question of courage now, but a real self-doubt as to whether I've embarked on the right path.

At times I feel that I'm just going through a midlife crisis – something to do which challenges the status quo – but then I remember the crisis points, the depth of sadness, the uncontrolled sobbing in the kitchen – and this is not just some temporary craziness, but something deep which I have finally come to recognise. The crisis points need to be remembered when I flounder or wallow in self-doubt. I must remember the feelings that I cannot control and what that means.

Tomorrow is therapy day. All too short, but helpful in a kind of stake-in-the-ground kind of way. Perhaps, when I have planted the requisite number of steps I will be able to see past this coming-out challenge and understand what the next steps need to be.

No-one can see the future, but I need to at least have an objective or two about what happens after I tell my wife, and all this definitely needs to happen before my 60th Birthday.

Is There Anyone Out There?

Written by Nightshade on 12/05/2022. Posted in Coming Out, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle. No Comments on Is There Anyone Out There?

The question as to whether there is anyone out there is moot. Of course, there are many people out there, only I have withdrawn so much, I feel that I am writing for me alone – which is paradoxical as I've put quite a bit of effort into making this site. The question remains whether anyone will bother to read this. If you haven't read the first post, I urge you to read it now as it puts everything into context.

So why write? At the moment, I am so confused, so scared of the consequences of what I'm about to do that I feel like a teenager taking his first steps into the world. In a way, part of my psyche is doing just that. Part of me is still that scared boy I was at 16 battling with forbidden feelings, worried of losing his friends and facing the uncomprehending and disapproving gaze of his parents. I know they would never have understood.

This blog is a way is also a way for me to clarify my feelings… a stream of consciousness (well, nearly). It will allow me to come to terms with how my life will change once I tell my wife and kids. The kids will be cool, I think. Shocked, possibly. My wife is different matter, but I can understand that.

I know that although I want to control the whole process, but that won't be possible once the cat is truly out of the bag. She will then have control over what happens next. And that's ok, I guess, but it's scary. I'm definitely a coward 🙂

But I always have to return to the story of the knight who asked “Is it better to speak or die?” Although that question is a trick (we all die anyway), the question is what will speaking achieve? As someone who values being able to make choices in life, I think I owe it to my best friend (my wife) to let her make her own.

At the same time, I would like to spare everyone's feelings. I've read plenty of posts where men in my situation have only come out after the relationship failed, they were found out, or the spouse passed away. Of course, the damage that staying silent is doing to me must be a factor too. I'm done lying to myself. It is time to come clean. Something has to change.

The big question is actually not the obvious one. What happens next? What do I do once I've come clean? I have no idea. I've looked for support groups I could join, but apart from a few meetup groups, it seems to be a fairly barren scene. And I'm not looking for a relationship, just people who understand me.

That's why I want to know: Is there anyone out there? Do you have an opinion or some suggestions? The floor is yours.

Only the Truth can prevent complete destruction

Written by Nightshade on 05/05/2022. Posted in Coming Out, Coming to Terms, LGBT+, Main Journey, Struggle. No Comments on Only the Truth can prevent complete destruction

I'm a 59-year-old man happily married to my wife. One problem: I've realised I'm gay and I've also realised that only the truth can prevent complete destruction of myself and everything I love.

How does that happen? You must think me callous, mean-spirited and morally bankrupt. well, at least you're not alone… so do I.

Well one thing I can say, is that it happened despite myself. If I could change something – anything – not to be in the situation I'm in right now, I would do it. But here we are. Coming out as gay later in life brings with is a huge amount of baggage I'd rather not have and it threatens to upend a successful marriage.

As I start this blog, I have come out to myself but to no-one else and it's killing me. But this is the first step. A necessary step. I would like to avoid hurting anyone, but I know that's not possible. If I stay in the closet, I am hurting myself and as a bonus, lying to the people I love the most. If I come out, I will definitely hurt my wife. So what to do?

But before I get too specific, let me say some things… I think I can hear you shouting from here… How did it come to this?

As a young man in the 80s, not many people were openly gay, but I did have the chance to meet a man who I admired – a lot. I really looked up to him in the puppy dog way that young men in their very early 20s look up to anyone who is older and – they think – wiser. He was witty, funny and clever. He was a musician and actor and pretty all-round amazing. He was older, and more experienced. The first weeks were amazing and fun and for the first time, I felt completely at ease with myself.

The loving relationship soured quickly though and after the first heady rush of passion, it became borderline abusive and cheap. I felt used and hurt. I objected to some of the things he wanted me to do and some of the things he wanted me to wear were ridiculous. I told him this was too much at once. Could we take it slower? The abuse abruptly worsened and after a stint in the emergency room after “a fall”, he told me I was straight and boring. I should leave. It was over.

I left that relationship believing him. If I could not do what he asked of me – and what he asked was, apparently, not unreasonable if you were gay – the logical conclusion was that I was straight – or bisexual maybe? Either way I knew I didn't want what he was offering. I didn't feel right to me.

A couple of straight relationships followed. And then one day, I met my future wife. We really hit it off. It was amazing. It felt right. We clicked. It was a loving relationship. We laughed, we cried, we lived in Paris together and eventually, 29 years ago, we got married. We now have several grown-up kids, and over these 29 years, I firmly believed I was bisexual. My mistake was probably not telling my wife sooner but in my mind, I had made my choice, so my sexuality was irrelevant. And it was – for along time. But over the years I have had the feeling that something was missing. Not definable, really, but an undeniable emptiness.

So roll on 2021, and I'm working on my clapped-out sailboat that I bought for a song. I'm alone and have been working in the Sicilian sun for about 2 weeks when I meet a gay man and we become friends. Nothing sexual, mind, and nothing sinister. We just became good friends, going out, drinking, laughing. But the impact and the feelings that this friendship brought up were impossible to ignore. It was a trigger and I went into a deep depression for a week, only being forced to emerge when my son joined me to go sailing. That brought me back to reality and I pushed the feelings aside again, but the door had been forced open and as soon as he left, I had to confront what I had felt.

Over the last few months I have come to the inevitable conclusion that I am not bisexual after all – I'm gay. I've been lying to myself all these years and I now have to face the fact that what I have believed these last 40 years was complete bollocks.

Last weekend, my wife was away so I had the house to myself. These are the times when reality really kicks in. It is the time, when I am alone with my thoughts, I have time to process without having to spend huge amounts of energy pretending to be someone else, consciously or not. I realise that despite having moved to Bournemouth (south-western UK) nearly 2 years ago, I haven't made any friends here. Not only that, I have retreated into myself and refuse to have a social life. I don't have real conversations with my wife anymore, so I'm not only withdrawing from others, I'm withdrawing from those I love the most.

It was time for action. So this week, I called a therapist to help me organise my thoughts and prepare a plan to tell my wife. I've already had one session and I can't wait for the next one. But right now, I feel scared to death. Scared that I will hurt her so deeply she will hate me and I'll lose my best friend. I'm scared that she will think this is her fault. I'm scared that she will think that I've purposely misled her. Have I? I don't think so and I have been utterly faithful throughout these years. I just hope that I can convince her not to hate me – in time.

There's passage in the Tale X of the Heptameron by Marguerite de Navarre, where honourable Amadour asks the married Florida whom he loves: “I pray you, sweetheart, counsel me whether it is better for a man to speak or die?” This is, of course a trap. We all die so it is always better to speak. I will speak when I am ready. Sometime soon. For good or ill, my sweet wife needs to know the truth. In that way she can have agency and I can avoid destroying myself.

I hope, dear reader, that if you stumble on this blog, it can help you in some way. Your story is not mine, nor mine yours, but I will regularly update you on my progress. Until then, I wish you well. Don't be shy to comment if the fancy takes you.