Two weeks later: Life is an Adventure

It's difficult when you don't have specific plans. Many guys in my situation already have things worked out. They have a boyfriend they've been experimenting with before coming out. Life is an adventure only when you know what you want. I don't.

What I have done is go to two gay meetups – just to be around people. As I have mentioned previously, one of the motivations for coming out was to try an be authentic so I could meet people without having to hide my true self. The meet-ups were fine. I met some nice people, but I still feel that something is missing. I will continue to engage with those groups, but not for a while, as I'm off sailing for a few weeks.

Meanwhile, my wife is starting to talk to me. Her main issue seems to be wondering how to move on. She says she sees me being happier than I have been for a while (though I feel like I'm still walking on eggshells around her) and that she feels stuck. I'm not sure what to say as I haven't come up with a reasonable answer. I don't feel like we have to break our relationship in order to move to the next stage, but this is still a real risk.

I also went up to London to have lunch with daughter no. 1. We went to have some lunch at the South Bank and then went next door to an open-air bar and proceeded to drink all afternoon and chat about all sorts of stuff. I even told her about my crap gay relationship. It was a beautiful bonding moment between a father and his daughter and one I shall cherish for a long time.

Son No.2 also arrived around 6pm after work and we continued drinking into the night. He also had a fair number of questions but it was fine and I managed to answer all of then truthfully. It was an extremely good night for all of us.

One thing I have noticed though. I'm not scared of much anymore, including talking about things that others would find uncomfortable revealing about themselves. The constant terror leading up to telling my wife I was gay has given way – after a week or so – to an incredible inner peace.

I'm not sure what I going to do, but that ok. I'm not sure whether I will ever have a gay intimate relationship, but that's ok too. I can relax now. Now that the inner turmoil has dissipated, I am no longer scared.

Life will bring what it brings. Let it do its best or its worst.

Either way, I will survive.