Tempus Fugit: Time Flies When You’re Having Fun

The Clock Ticks and Time Flies

Not sure who told me that time flies when you least want it to. Tempus Fugit has been much overused but so appropriate for how I feel. I'm approaching the last bend in the track and the finish line is in sight. Or is it the starting line? My wife will be abck

I listened to the Rainbow Dads podcast which was introduced to me by Tony – my erstwhile mentor from Manchester. Anyhow, this podcast has sent me into a bit of a negative spiral. Everything they're discussing just doesn't sound like me. Maybe it's the shitty gay relationship I had in my 20s, but the thought of having to enter the “scene” to meet people just fills me with dread. I'm not interested in casual sex and according to the Dads on the podcast, that's sort of the only way to meet other gay people. I'm rapidly going off the idea that I want anything to do with that part of me.

This Chapter is Closing

I think this journey has been one of self-discovery. It is not over, but some things are becoming clear. The reason I would like to come clean, so-to-speak is to be honest with my wife. We have not been that intimate over the last years and I've put that down to age – but that's not really it. She has to be able to make the decision that this is all I can be to her going forward. It's not nothing, of course. I love her deeply. But individual free will is so fundamental to me, that I owe her that.

Now that I am out to myself, I do not have the ability – psychologically – to keep this to myself. Maybe I'm just rationalising because I'm scared. My last gay relationship was pretty catastrophic and if love is not part of the equation then I can probably do without it.

I think I have come to a reasonable place in my thinking. From panicking yesterday, I now understand what I want. Deep down, I just need the love of my life to know. That's all – for now. Maybe that will change. Maybe I will explore this part of me – but on my terms. Not on anyone else's.

A Calm Understanding

A first step after telling my wife may be going up to Manchester and meeting my mentor – just for a weekend. That will be a start. That is a small step into a new world. Tentative. Timorous. A pinkie toe dipped in a new gay ocean. Yes. That seems right.

I will not post again until I have told my wife – unless I start panicking again. This is it. I think I now have the answers I need to do what I have to do. Next Monday or Tuesday will be a perfect time – not too close to our anniversary. Not close to a Birthday and plenty of time for her to back out of coming sailing with me. I have a small window. Can I find the courage to act? Let's find out together.