G-Day: The Day I Came Out as Gay
The Deed
Monday 20th June, 2022. At the age of 59 years, 8 months and 6 days old, I came out as gay to my wife. We have been married for 29 years and will celebrate our 30th anniversary on 1 September this year.
For those of you who have been following this blog, it will come as no surprise that I have been agonising over this for some time now and this week was the perfect time to tell her – if I was going to tell her.
I can tell you folks, that it didn't go all that well. I tried to explain why so late in life, tried to explain how I had reached the conclusion that I'm gay and tried to explain that I still loved her deeply – I do – that she is my soulmate and that we would somehow always be together. None of it seemed to make much difference, and I could see the hurt and pain in her eyes.
It killed me and I have shed more tears in the last 24h than in the past 10 years.
I have read that this process can be like a grieving process for the straight partner.
- Stage 1: Denial & shock
- Stage 2: Anger & resentment
- Stage 3: Bargaining
- Stage 4: Withdrawal and Depression
- Stage 5: Acceptance
- Stage 6: Outreach
For a full description of all of these stages, click here: https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/grieving-and-recovery
The Consequences
So we're in stage 1. I'm not sure what I else expected, but she cried pretty much all day and at least half of the next. I feel guilty for putting this on her, but as I mentioned before, I have never been dishonest – even about my sexuality – and I've never been unfaithful. However, all I'm getting is monosyllabic answers to my attempts to communicate. The one thing she did ask that was hurtful is why did I tell her? Was I trying to give myself permission to have an affair with another guy? For the moment, no. I think if I felt I had to explore that side at any stage, our marriage would be over and I'd have a different discussion with her.
Many other men in my situation would have had an affair leading up to the moment they publicly came out, but because I had my gay relationship early on in my twenties, I didn't feel the need to experiment. And given my experience with that, I'm going to have to work through quite a lot of crap before I can even consider thinking about whether I want that or not.
The difficulty here is finding the balance between giving her space and withdrawing. I don't want her to think she's alone. I want to be there in case she has questions. I will try to be sensitive and accepting of her feelings. I have had a couple of months and as I read back to my first post, I can recognise the confusion and the shock that I had to deal with, before coming to some sort of acceptance that I would have to be honest and tell her.
The Aftermath
So how do I feel? This experience has been harrowing – I won't deny it, and to be honest, it's early days yet. I feel guilty for laying this on her and changing our relationship so profoundly – perhaps terminally. She is grieving the loss whilst I still hold out some hope that we can have a relationship.
The fact that I have Tony – someone who was referred through the podcast Graying Rainbows – and my therapist is great. I'm worried that she has no-one and in order to provide some support – if she's not going to look further afield – I will have to tell the kids sooner rather than later.
My life has changed. My marriage has changed. But, as you know, dear reader, I felt that I didn't have a choice. I made sure I chose an appropriate time and have been as available as possible. That's all I can do. I do not control events from here. My family does.
I have also realised, that although the first step was probably the hardest, I have a long way to go. I have to tell the kids, possibly my brother. Do I tell Mum (who is 84)? Not right now. What about my friends? Some, perhaps, but this coming out is exhausting.
Tune in next time… I will have told the kids by then, I think.