Victory or Defeat? Which Side of Me Will Win?

At the moment it's a toss-up. One of me says that I must be authentic and come out. The other is scared of the consequences and is doing an excellent job convincing me to shut up. Which side of me will win? I'm feeling the heat now that the battle of the psyches has begun in earnest.

It is now, near the end of the day, when I'm sitting here thinking this is all a big mistake and I should delete this blog and disappear back into the ether. My Thursday therapy session seems a long time ago although it was just this morning, but I can remember the clarity, the feeling of absolute conviction about what I have to do. Like a distant memory, but getting a little clearer every week.

There are two sides of me. The side that wants to get out there and be real and the side that's desperately telling me that I'm being an idiot and that I'm putting my whole life on the line are alternating between telling me I should and I shouldn't speak. But I know what will happen if I don't.

I now have 3 weeks until the first “ideal” slot appears. There are a few events, including a week where Helen, my wife (not her real name), is away. I don't want to spoil her week away, so probably soon after she gets back. Before then, I will have to come up with the perfect way to broach the subject and explain.

I have one thing going for me: everything I've done was in good faith although I wonder whether my life would've turned out differently if my first same-sex relationship hadn't been such a disaster. Would I have wanted it to be different? I may never have left London, never met Helen, never had kids… and that part of my life has been so important to me that i cant imagine it being any different. Sure, it would have been nice to have it all, but who gets to have it all? We all make choices and compromises in our life and we need to take responsibility for that.

However, there also comes a time when the need for authenticity becomes too strong – too insistent. For me, the shock was understanding or admitting to myself that I was gay, not bisexual. and that really only happened a couple of months ago, the catalyst having been Stefano, who I met last summer in Italy. Although it was just a friendship and I told him I was married etc., this did unleash the first big crisis in a little while. Maybe I'll write a longer post on this subject…

So now I’m sitting here wondering what to do… well not so much wondering, but fighting with myself. my gay side is screaming to be acknowledged even though there is so much to lose… which is exactly what my other side is trying desperately to hold on to.

I heard someone say the other day, that you can't control what someone else will think or feel. All you can do it be your real self. That's good advice. I think I'm nearly there.