Is There Anyone Out There?

The question as to whether there is anyone out there is moot. Of course, there are many people out there, only I have withdrawn so much, I feel that I am writing for me alone – which is paradoxical as I've put quite a bit of effort into making this site. The question remains whether anyone will bother to read this. If you haven't read the first post, I urge you to read it now as it puts everything into context.

So why write? At the moment, I am so confused, so scared of the consequences of what I'm about to do that I feel like a teenager taking his first steps into the world. In a way, part of my psyche is doing just that. Part of me is still that scared boy I was at 16 battling with forbidden feelings, worried of losing his friends and facing the uncomprehending and disapproving gaze of his parents. I know they would never have understood.

This blog is a way is also a way for me to clarify my feelings… a stream of consciousness (well, nearly). It will allow me to come to terms with how my life will change once I tell my wife and kids. The kids will be cool, I think. Shocked, possibly. My wife is different matter, but I can understand that.

I know that although I want to control the whole process, but that won't be possible once the cat is truly out of the bag. She will then have control over what happens next. And that's ok, I guess, but it's scary. I'm definitely a coward 🙂

But I always have to return to the story of the knight who asked “Is it better to speak or die?” Although that question is a trick (we all die anyway), the question is what will speaking achieve? As someone who values being able to make choices in life, I think I owe it to my best friend (my wife) to let her make her own.

At the same time, I would like to spare everyone's feelings. I've read plenty of posts where men in my situation have only come out after the relationship failed, they were found out, or the spouse passed away. Of course, the damage that staying silent is doing to me must be a factor too. I'm done lying to myself. It is time to come clean. Something has to change.

The big question is actually not the obvious one. What happens next? What do I do once I've come clean? I have no idea. I've looked for support groups I could join, but apart from a few meetup groups, it seems to be a fairly barren scene. And I'm not looking for a relationship, just people who understand me.

That's why I want to know: Is there anyone out there? Do you have an opinion or some suggestions? The floor is yours.